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Jess
09-22-2012, 09:07 PM
So I'm new to this kind of stuff. I've always been the type of girl who keeps my feelings inside my whole life. I've always have had issues telling people whats bothering me and whats on my mind I always put a fake smile on and act like nothing is bothering me. I've done this for years that I'm so good at it I don't realize I do it. I think I do this because growing up I've always wanted to be just like my brother who was my best friend and my role model. I use to want to buzz my hair like him, spit, belch, play basketball like him, you think of it I was trying. There was about a 5 year age difference growing up which got harder and harder the older we got the less I saw of him which was so hard for me. We started going our own ways. But, back to why I think I put on a fake smile is because I wanted to be so much like a guy and I love helping because I never wanted to show that I was weak. To me crying shows a sign of weakness but the more I grow and realize its not; the more I've been speaking up for myself and telling people how I feel which is still new to me. I'm not sure sometimes what to share and what not to. Well this is where I start.

My mumma has been doing this for a year now and she always is reading some kind of post on here and her online story. She thought this would be very healing for me (like I said I'm not good at telling people how I'm feeling until I explode I'm better at writing it like she is.) So this is where I start my online story. It's going to be hard and all that I ask is I don't judge and I hope no one judges me because of the things I might say.

Here we go I am 18 years old, I have a 22 year old brother who past away on September 2nd, 2012. I say I have a brother because he is with my every wheres I go maybe not physically but emotionally and spiritually he is right by my side watching everything I do. Growing up he has always been my best friend and role model. But he sure wasn't perfect oh but he thought he was haha. My whole life my dad was the hardest guy to please and it felt like I could never do anything right and would always feel like I'm going to disappoint him. All I ever wanted to do was make him proud. He would always say he was proud but I never felt it which killed thinking that he was lying. Growing up my mom was an alcoholic but today she is on day 108 of being sober which makes me so damn proud more then she'll ever know! But it killed coming home some days thinking will she be drunk or no is she going to get behind the wheel of the car or what? Thats scary to think like that so young. But at the same time I think it brought me and Josh close because we only had each other.

But, that is all in my past in now we are into now. My dad asked for a divorce to my mom in September. It killed me at first. Then I got to thinking they were never happy together my mom never spoke up to my dad when he was being a complete a**hole to us kids and she never had a voice. I know she really resents that today and it's honestly ok she's really sorry for it and I understand and I forgave her! At times I feel like I made a really wrong decision when I was asked about who I wanted to live with. My mom stayed with me at first but I really missed my dad because I never really realized how much he emotionally hurt me till now. With mom drinking put a huge scar on me and hurt me so at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. Then less then 2 weeks later he started seeing this 25 year old girl. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE THAT WAS! We had this deal no boyfriends or girlfriends sleep over. Well one night he went out with her said my boyfriend at the time could come over and hang out while he was gone. I made dinner and we watch a movie and fell asleep on the couch on accident. Well couple nights later I get home from work and guess who was sleeping in his bed with him when I get home. THAT WAS A HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE!!!!! Didn't matter how I felt though I didn't want anything to do with her ever and I made that clear. But couple weeks later I said I'll give her one more try we all went to the beach and then I saw it I was loosing my dad to her I wasn't daddys girl no more and it didn't matter how I felt about all this. But ever Tuesday was daddy daughter night we had to have a set day to see one another. The Halloween came. The Tuesday after dad broke up with the 25 yr old girlfriend. He started seeing his boss from work that he's known for 10 yrs. Next thing I know hes gone nights, weekends sleeping over her place. The nights and weekends she didn't have her 5 yr old daughter. Next thing I know we all go out so I can meet them. Less then a month later they are moving in right after Thanksgiving. Remind you I've only had a older brother and here comes along a little 5 yr old. At first yea it was exciting but then I realized I ain't daddys little girl anymore and it feels like I'm a piece of sh*t to him. Then December came around and the divorce was final. February 14th dad and Erica were engaged. But dad didn't understand why it hurt me so bad and why I cried when I found out. Great way to go off to school. My brother over dosed in March for the second time but got revived. I didn't know till days later. During all this moms and I relationship started getting better at first of the divorce and her drinking we didn't talk much. But when she would go on her spurts of quitting I was here every weekend. She became my best friend its great I tell her everything no secrets at all! Dad and Erica got married on August 18th. I went with my ex Matt he knew how much I didn't want to be there. I called my mom the night before the wedding while I was on break crying my eyes out about how much I didn't want to go but I had to. Well later on I decided Matt and I were better off just friends. And I started seeing the guy I am with now Shane. Well dad had to have a talk with me about that oh Jaidyn (erica's six year old) looks up to you and these guys in and out of her life is not ok thats not fair you need to start thinking about how your choices effect her. I didn't want her I had no choice to have her why should I have to think about how my choices effect her how about me and my happiness oh wait that don't matter to you anymore because of your new daughter and the love of your life now.

Well I was out with Shane and Travis (his little cousin and I call him my little brother) and I wanted to show them the horses that I ride at my friends Chris's house well I get to the top of the hill and there was a huge pot hole with a rock sticking up. I cracked the oil pan again. Well here I am thinking oh great I'm going to disappoint dad again how I'm probably the worst daughter in the world and so much more. So I went back to my old ways and I ran. I'm not good with fighting and yelling I would always hide and run and I still do no matter what. So I ran and stayed at Shane's parents house. Then we got our own camper and lived out in the woods in our camper. I only talked to dad through facebook then my brother went into the hospital August 31st, over dosed again. I went and saw him the second I saw dad he said wheres the key to my car and that was it. I went outside for a butt with my boyfriend and my mom. I was hugging Shane crying and my dad came over hit my on the shoulder and said "if you need anything call" then walked off. That really made Shane mad not only because he saw how hurt I was but always because here's my brother in the hospital pretty much dead and thats all he could say to me. That Saturday mom said dad was on his way and I asked if I could use the car to go to the river with Shane she said that was fine cause I wanted to avoid him. So we went to the river texted mom asking if dad left not yet so we went back to paradise to make lunch took a nap and got a call he left so we went back. We left that night knowing Josh wasn't going to come back. He was taken off the machines Sunday morning. September 15th was his service. I asked dad if we could meet the wednesday before the service or if we could meet after the service so I could get my stuff. He said he would give me my stuff before the service would start when family and friends were showing up. That bothered me a lot. But made it past that day. I haven't talked to him since and I'm so much happier honestly right now! I still see my mom any chance I can I still tell her everything and shes my best friend. Its funny I'm laying right next to her writing this while she sleeps. I have way to much on my mind to even sleep right now.

So here we are to my everyday story now. Gave a little brief background story.

Continued

Jess
09-22-2012, 09:09 PM
Continued....

9/22/12
So today has been an interesting day with mumma! You never know what we will do haha. We woke up to her reading me her story today, having a butt, and smoking a little mary. Always calls for a good morning haha. Then we adventured out for a little while I dropped her off at the laundry mat while I went and returned her book to the library. Then I went to hannafords to get hot coco with extra marshmallows and half gallon of milk. Then it pond on me mom said extra marshmallows well growing up if Josh and I wanted coco and had no marshmallows we would put fluff in it and sure enough I just had to buy some to put in my hot coco. At this point I headed back to the laundry mat to see how mumma was making out. We went for a walk to the gaziebo down the road talked had a lot of laughs it was fun! Then we came home took care of everything then just hung out on the back deck it was nice! I love weekends with mumma! Last night Shane called me after he got into a fight with his dad (his dad drinks a lot which scares me at times) His dad yelled at me once and Shane tweaked on him saying don't yell at her she didn't do a thing. But any who Shane then told me we had to move back into the house because the camper fuze broke. Which was fine. Well today he texted me saying that rule is I have to get a job or go back to school (got one year left). Which then I told him with no hesitation I'm going back to school that's what I want! Thing is lately I've been thinking about going back to Kennebunk. I went to visit a teacher 2 weeks ago who offered me a place to stay so I would finish up my senior year at Kennebunk. She has always been there since preschool with me and now I'm a senior. I would consider her my second mom shes been there through thick and thin no matter what was happening in my life. Well lately I've been thinking about taking her offer and no one knows thats what I have been thinking. I messaged her tonight asking her if the offer was still available. I would help in any way I could. Sign up for food stamps to help with food get a job pay rent do what ever I can do! Honestly I hope its still available because growing up I've always wanted to be an animal control officer since I was 8 and here I am 10 years later and still want to do that. I got accepted into the criminal justice voc program at school and I would be stupid if I let this goal slip away from me now. I know Josh would want me to do it. He never got to pursue his goals and I want to pursue mine. But I won't go so low that I'm going to go home I've grown so much and I'm not going to put myself through more pain then what I have put myself through its not fair to me! I think it would be best for me and it's time for me to think about me. I ended up calling my two friends who have always been there for me and talked about all this that was on my mind it helped a little but still was scared and worried. Mom later on made us bbq chicken on the grill with homemade fries I set up the bed and watched abduction I love that movie! What a great ending to a great day! Lots of laughs and great moments! I can't wait to see what tomorrow as in store for us! But I think I am off to bed for tonight think I've said a lot for my first post. But it is defiantly nice to get it off my mind my head ache is gone yay! Maybe now that I have got this off my chest I can get a goodnight sleep!

Well goodnight Y'all <3
Forever & Always
Jess

Jess
09-26-2012, 06:43 AM
9~26~12

Good Morning!

So Sunday mom dropped me off back at Shane's parents house. When I got there he was acting so goofy and was doing chores around the house for his parents. I went up stairs to unpack a little bit. He came up and his dad said he had to clean his room so I left and went and hung out with Jill for awhile. Then went back to the house to get dinner he ordered it from the store down the road mmmm it was so good! After Shane, Jill and I smoke some mary. Jill and I left went to Tims to hang with Travis and Nick before the Patriots game started. Then we went back to Jill's aunts house to watch the game I passed out on the couch before he even started. I woke up half way through it and had some mac&cheese with garlic bread. Had three bites and the dogs ate the rest haha.

On Monday, Shane went to work like usual so Jill and I spent the day together. I didn't want to wait any longer from hearing from the teacher so I asked her if she could take me to the school by any chance so I could talk to her. We talked about me coming back and we had to set up a meeting to talk to the school seeing if it's allowed if I could stay with her buy im 18 so I'm keeping my figures crossed and hopefully getting back in my voc program. So she told me to call her Tuesday between 830-9. So we said our goodbyes then Jill and I went to her uncles for dinner it was chicken palm it was so good normally I don't eat that kind of stuff! After dinner smoke some mary went to bonfire smoke some more then went back to her house and fell asleep.

Tuesday I woke up at 6 nervous about what would happen with the school today. Jill woke up about 8 went out side and smoked some mary I said I was going to wait till I found out about the school thing before I smoked. I called and she told me they were going to work on it and to call her Thursday between 830-9. Said alright and said our goodbyes. After we hung up I smoked some mary. After she took a shower and what not we went and saw Lorie smoked a little more. Later on we went and returned bottles it was so awkward the guy counting the bottles was hitting on me and he was like 50 EWWW! So it was funny the second song that came on was american woman so I just had to call mumma and get a good laugh out of it! Later on we went to Jills uncles and I got a text from the teacher asking if I could call her which I did and she told me I had a meeting at the school for 915 and said I had to be there. After I called Mumma to see if it was possible if I could stay the night before and bring her to work Thursday and use it to get to the school she said no which is understandable its her only car and it was from my great gram. Then she called back saying she could bring me and I could come up on Tuesday. We already had plans for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So here I have from Tuesday-Sunday. She ended up getting to my house before me because we were in kennebunk and had to stop and get gas before we went there I felt bad normally I'm already by the time she gets there.... So after she picked me up we talked about everything that was going on with me and what my plans were. It was a very nice talk well needed. After we went to my uncles house to get Danielle's (my brothers girlfriend) and Josh's apartment things in the shed. My uncle and grandfather weren't there so we came and went. Then we went to Rayes market for soda's milk and cigarettes. And then we made it to paradise smoke some mary hung out she tried a pair of my Jeans on and OMG they fit her shes lost so much weight I'm so happy for her!!! Then we laid down I waited for Shane to call till then mumma got to rub me =)! She fell asleep and I was just about to then my phone went off talk to him for 20min then fell asleep.

Here I am today thinking about the meeting for tomorrow a lot and of course here I am thinking of the worst like usual. Playing a lot of the what if game. I played a lot of that game the week Josh passed away. Trying to not worry about it that much though. I woke up text my mumma then Shane to say goodmorning. Then I started telling my journey the second I opened this computer. I'm planning on going have a butt take a shower maybe do a puzzle watch Flipper today I haven't seen that movie since I was a little kid im excited to see it. Mumma just called asking me to take something out for dinnah for tonight!! =) Later on Danielle (Josh's Girlfriend) is picking me up and then were getting mom to go see the funeral guy and order our keepsakes. Never know what else we will do I will have an update later on!!

Hope everyone has a great day
Forever&Always
Jess

Jess
09-26-2012, 06:51 PM
9/26/12

So today has been a very good day spent the whole day by myself till about 320! Did a lot of me day! I took a shower shaved swept paradise and made the bed. Then I laid down and watched Flipper I loved that movie when I was a kid I just had to watch it. Then I laid in bed till Danielle got here watching Rugrats my favorite little kid show growing up. I didn't smoke once today when I was alone which is really good for me. But when Danielle got here my anxiety started kicking in and then I started smoking I've only had 6 butts so far and no mary which is very good for me! So Danielle and I went and got mumma at work and then went to the place where Josh's ashes were and where we ordered our keepsakes. I loved the one mumma got for me and her its a heart with 3 little footprints on it. From the poem footprints in the sand its a very nice poem if you have never read it you should =)! After we were done there mumma and I went to get our chains I love the one I picked out it looks a lot like Josh's old chain which mumma wears now but mine is a lot smaller which I like =)! Then we went out and got hers. Once that was all done mumma brought me out for dinner to Happy Dragon which is my FAVORITE!!! It's the only Chinese food I'll eat. Josh's ashes are here tonight which is nice but awkward a little bit. It's weird whenever I get really tired and try to fall asleep I can't and I have to write which isn't a bad thing... My anxiety is very high tonight and the closer it gets to the morning the more worried and nervous I get... My tummy starts aching and feels like its in a huge ball or someone just punched me in the stomach. I always think of the worst when I start feeling this way. Will the school let me back? Will they be ok with my staying with the teacher? I am 18... Will they let me back in my voc program? Will I still be in skill center? I'm just afraid it won't go the way I want it to or plan on it going and imma get my hopes up and then when it ends up bad will I give up hope? and just want to give up like I use to... These thoughts are the kind that are always in my mind. This is why I use to be on anxiety medicine and depression medicine and ADHD medicine to help me slow down my thoughts think things through but I stopped taking those about a year ago now and I've been trying to work on it on my own not on any kind of medicine. Some days its really harder then other days... Thats why I smoke mary it helps with my thinking a lot and with my anxiety. Now that I have got my fears out and I'm feeling a little better imma try and fall asleep but who knows I might be on later writing more haha!!!

Goodnight yall sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite!!!
Forever&Always
Jess <3

Jess
10-12-2012, 07:31 PM
Lately i've been hurting like no tomorrow Shane and I got into a huge fight Tuesday when I was at my friends... I have quit smoking mary and all he keeps doing is smoking and he can't stop he's always looking for the next hook up and then it ran into my head that was my brothdrugs other then marryer but it was different drugs then mary and it killed me... with shane he can't have a good time or be in the moment unless he is high and it kills me I told him he had to make a decistion on what was more important... lately it feels like I'm second best to everyone...so I decided I give up I'm done... I'm done trying I'm don't talking to everyone if its important they will txt me or message me first but I guess that's if they wanna talk... I'm done feeling like shit but oh well guess it don't matter... it was nice though shane brought me out for the first time tonight and wasn't baked and he was in the moment and was sober it was nice for once.... joshs and moms birthday was Wednesday it was a really hard day ididn't wanna get out of bed but I did and hung out with my little man to try to feel better we read and played. trains it was fun!! Now I'm off to bed =/