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serena
07-13-2013, 03:50 AM
I wanted to tell you all that yesterday I lost the most beautiful person in my life, my mother. She was 65 and although not in the greatest of health, I took for granted that she would be here forever. How selfish of me. I know that she is happy, she was not afraid to die, she looked forward to going to heaven and would scold me for my fear of death. She's with my grandma now and her daddy and she is free of pain and of this cruel world. But I still want my mommy.

This is of course making me even more aware of my addiction, because through the last day, I have basically taken anything I could get my hands on to numb myself. Right now, I can't focus on that...but I know today more than ever that I do have to deal with it soon. I want to live longer for my children and grandchildren. I want to be here as long as I can.

Right now, I just want my mommy to tell me that everything is going to be ok.

Chad
07-13-2013, 07:02 AM
serena, I am so sorry for your loss, life can be so tough and seemingly unfair at times...sometimes I think we all take our older loved ones for granted they were here before us and will always be....unfortunately for all of us it must come to an end..I will say a prayer for you today...take care

Chad

carol
07-13-2013, 09:52 AM
Serena, I am so, so sorry that you lost your mom. No, you are not selfish at all. Your mom was blessed by your love when she passed, and that meant the world to her. It will hurt to grieve, it really will. It is hard to see this as an opportunity, but it can be one for you. I am old enough to be your mom, so I am going to say on her behalf, "yes, Serena my love, it is going to be ok." I think she would be ok with me speaking for her because I am sure that she loved you greatly and wants everything to be ok for you. She would tell you not to cry, but of course you need to cry. But as you grieve, let her love surround you and help you heal.

_Erin_
07-15-2013, 05:52 AM
Oh, I'm so sorry, Serena... doesn't matter how old you are, or how young you are... expected or unexpected... it hurts a lot to lose a parent. Carol is right, the grieving process is not comfortable, but eventually, it will all be ok. Let yourself feel whatever you feel... you are not wrong for any of them, and anger, sadness, depression, all of it... it's all normal. You're going to go through all kinds of emotions and you're never going to stop missing your mom... but know that she was at peace with passing, she is no longer hurting, and she is SMILING on you right now. She would most definitely want you to be happy and wouldn't want to see you sad. I'm thinking of you, girl, please feel free to message me if you need to talk! (((hugs)))

Jim
07-15-2013, 08:58 AM
Serena...I am so sorry. Such an untimely loss for you. And yes your mother would want the best for you in her absence. My prayers are with you.

Jen
07-15-2013, 09:08 AM
Mine too, Serena! I'm so sorry !!

serena
07-22-2013, 12:48 PM
Thank you all for your kind words and your encouragement. I'm struggling with this which I know is natural. I wake up every morning and just want to pretend it's not real. But it is. I have been to her house 3 times since she passed to try and go through her things and each time, I can't stay long and I have to leave. But I don't want anyone else going through her stuff without me there. I have to pull it together.

We still don't know the cause of death. My mom was sick and took ALOT of medications. If I find out that she died from an accidental overdose or a bad combination from her pills, I will feel ever worse. I seriously will more than likely want to check myself into rehab. My son wrote me a letter and at the end he said, watch how many pills your taking. That made me feel horrible.

So many emotions, I just want my mommy and I'm being very selfish right now.

_Erin_
07-22-2013, 01:00 PM
You're allowed to be selfish! Losing your mommy sucks! Even though you're still taking pills, you're not OK with it, and you're even contemplating rehab, knowing you can't do this on your own. You are most definitely making progress. Don't give up, this is a very hard thing to deal with (the addiction as well as the loss you've suffered)... you're going to be OK. You can do this!!

Christy
07-22-2013, 06:23 PM
So sorry Serena, on the passing of your mother. Prayers to you during a difficult time.