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So sad & worried...
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  1. #1

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    So sad & worried...

    This is my first time posting and I am not really sure where to begin... My boyfriend/fiance of 3 years is totally lost and I can't seem to help him. It has taken me all this time to accept that you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped or refuses to see that they have a problem. He fails to see how destructive his behaviour is and always blames everyone else if something goes wrong. The latest is telling me that he is unable to love anyone because he does not love himself. What's up with that.... He wanted a baby for so long and I've given him a beautiful son (5 months) and yet this is not enough reason for him to get his life in perspective. I had him arrested two weekends ago for crashing my car while under the influence and I am refusing to drop the charges. I'm trying the tough love thing... but I sometimes feel so bad that I want to just withdraw everything. Chances are pretty good that he will be losing his job as well. His drinking is affecting all aspects of his life. I have been sitting here praying and hoping that he would contact me so that I can show him that I am there for him but I am afraid that I was his biggest enabler all this time. He has managed to manipulate me, lie to me and I let him get away with it all. Always being the one feeling that I have wronged him in some way. Is there something wrong with me????? I love him so much and I really just want to help him but I don't know how. I've taken him to AA but he said that, that is not for him, he's been to a psychologist, psychiatrist and I even took him to my GP. I do not have the answers any more and I am clueless. He switches his phone off for days so that I am unable to reach him and when we do speak he makes as though he did nothing wrong. I have never come across someone who is so selfish!!!! everything is always about him. I am just so frustrated.

  2. #2
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    Hi Alicia,

    First off, my heart goes out to you having to wonder about your boyfriend and take care of a 5-month-old. Sounds like an extremely heavy burden to bear, and congrats to you for finding this site and posting. I commend you for trying so hard to find help for your boyfriend before realizing that no one can help him but him! And listen to me when I tell you this: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!

    You are absolutely right, you can't force help where it's not wanted, and it's a tough thing to accept and practice, but it's totally necessary! My mom was the alcoholic in my life, she started drinking after my dad passed away 20 years ago. I tried for years and years to get her to stop destroying herself in one form or another (screaming, crying, writing letters, dropping hints, dumping bottles, the list goes on). We just lost Mom this past January, and we actually found a tea bottle full of Southern Comfort under the couch. She was drinking right up until she died, so to me, that means I wasted a lot of time and energy basically trying to force someone to quit who didn't want, or wasn't ready, to quit.

    In my opinion, I think your choice to press charges was the right one. I don't think you should drop it. If he's old enough to make a baby, he should be old enough not to act like one himself. I know you love him, but I feel like if you drop the charges, you're not sending the message that you love him, but that you'll do anything and put up with anything to keep him around. Keeping me in the dark for days on where he is, if he's ok, who he's with, etc., would SO not fly with me! You deserve love and respect, and your baby deserves a more dependable father than that. I'm not saying ditch him, but you're totally on the right track being fed up with his manipulation and childish acts. Stick to your guns!!

    You need to keep your focus on yourself -- and foremost, that little boy you're raising. The first thing I would suggest is checking out Al-Anon. I went for a couple years and am still in contact with a few of the friends I made there. They will help you shift your focus onto your own wellbeing and give you tools to get stronger, learn the line between helping and enabling, and to set boundaries. Honestly, it was one of the best moves I made in my life, and I have had a lot of personal growth since then. I know what I learned in Al-Anon helped to get the ball rolling. You will also find a WHOLE lot of wisdom, love and support on this site! Read through the "How to Stop Drinking" thread - post on there if you want. The people on here are very understanding and accepting, and even though drinking is not the battle I fight, they have accepted me and allow me to post my thoughts, too. I have never had one person tell me I don't belong, and reading their stories can really help you to better understand the "other side" of what we're all dealing with.

    I've got a 9-month-old girl right now, she brings me so much joy and I can't really remember how I didn't feel empty before her! As a mommy, the only thing I want to do is love, protect and give my little girl a great life. My mom did what she could do at the time, and I will always love her. But I want to give my daughter what I missed out on growing up. I know you don't want your son growing up thinking that this is how a daddy is supposed to act! Protect your cub, Mama Bear.

    I hope we hear from you often, and if you ever need to talk, I am happy to listen! Take care!!

  3. #3

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    Thank you so much Erin. I needed that.

  4. #4

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    Aliciad.. Welcome. I think our friend Erin is very insightful and wise. I second her suggestion to come join us on the stop drinking thread (or any others that appeal) as well as our exercise challenge thread. I think both drinkers and lovers of drinkers gain value from the tales/struggles from the other side.

  5. #5

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    Today I am focusing on being detached but it is just so difficult. I end up obsessing about the situation all the time. How do I separate myself from it all.

  6. #6
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    Alicia, I can very much relate to obsessive thinking. Since joining this site, it's one of the things I've been working on. One thing that you have to constantly remind yourself of is that this is HIS problem, not yours. You have your own set of problems to deal with, which kind of ties in with the whole "keep the focus on yourself" thing. And even if you could talk to him right now, could you really change or control the outcome? No. My brothers and sister started to overdo it with drinking after Mom died. I worried and fretted and finally told my man how much it was bothering me. He said, "If you're worried, speak your piece, then let it go. Do you really think they sit up at night worrying about how YOUR life is going?" He was right... I voiced my concern, and then I let them live their lives. I still don't LIKE the amount/frequency they consume, but it's not my problem. I don't let it stop me from enjoying my day.

    I can't remember who said it, but one thing that really helped me to shift the focus to myself was this: Someone had posted on the main thread that it seemed like the more they thought, "I can't drink today," the more they thought about drinking. By thinking about what they couldn't have, they obsessed. All they could think was that they wanted a drink all day. Instead, they found things to keep them occupied, ways to satisfy themselves without resorting to alcohol. You have to learn to fill the void. One good example is Millie and I just finished a 30-day exercise challenge (she started a thread for it under the water cooler forum - you should join us! We're back on Day 1 tomorrow ). When we began, I was very down on myself, thinking, "I never stick to anything. I will never lose weight. I hate how I look..." etc. In my case, focusing on the challenge of getting up and running for 30 days eventually made me forget my negative thinking. My eating habits started to follow suit with my level of activity. My thought process became more, "I feel good because I'm doing something to improve my health and life" and less self-destructive. I started out weighing myself every day, then halfway through realized I hadn't been weighing myself. When I checked the scale, I'd lost 8 pounds since starting the challenge - without trying to control my weight and without obsessing over it. And in Millie's case, exercising kept her busy and she found herself not even thinking about having a drink!

    What can you do today that will make you feel good about YOU? What moves can you make to make life better for you and your son? I don't know if he's your only child or not, but my daughter is my only. It helps me keep perspective to remember that she will only be this little once, and I want to be there for everything. I can be there physically, but if I'm obsessing over something, I'm not there mentally. I'm somewhere else, robbing her and myself of precious time together. Keep talking it out, girl, it gets better!

  7. #7

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    After typing out a long reply I think I just lost it.... so here goes again... I have 3 boys Erin, aged 13, 6 and now the little one of 5 months. My two eldest boys are from my previous marriage (married 7 years) and which ended badly (another long story) and now my little baby boy of 5 months. My relationship with my boyfriend/fiance was the first serious relationship I got into after my divorce. I thought he was my saviour. I was going through major depression at times and just feeling worthless and he made me feel whole again. It's just sad that I can't seem to do the same for him. I know my boys are beautiful and they are my reason for living. That is the main reason why I NEED to separate myself from this situation especially since I have a teenage boy. They pick up bad habits so easily. I am lucky though in the sense that I have a very supportive family. I live with my mum, sister and brother who all help me tremendously in raising my kids. I would not be able to do it without them.

    I will join you on the main thread although I'm not so sure about exercising (lol) -- I'm way to lazy for that =) Although I do need to focus my energy somewhere.

  8. #8
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    That's awesome that you have a supportive family!! If nothing else, at least that has to give you comfort. I love my family, but I think we're all just in different places (emotionally/mentally - we live very close to each other) right now. We have some sorting out to do, and then I hope one day we will all reconnect. Cherish the relationship you have with your family. You sound like such a good mom! You're so on the right track, you know what you need to do, it's just doing it is the hard part. I absolutely sympathize with you there! It's hard to let someone fall on their face, but if you don't, you're going to relive the same nightmare repeatedly. I can already tell that you're a very caring, loving person, and you don't deserve that. I do hope you realize that you can't help this guy because he doesn't WANT to be helped. It's not anything to do with you. I know it sounds stupid to say so, but don't take it personally. These are his shortcomings, not yours. You've done everything, and probably more, that you could have possibly done. Now it's time to take care of you and your boys! Take control of the situations that you DO have control over. Everything will fall into place.

    I can definitely relate to the feeling of meeting someone that makes you feel like they're saving you and making you whole again. With me, though, the guy didn't even have to prove himself. I just felt so bad about who I was that I would latch on to the first guy, any guy, that gave me the time of day. I would do anything to make them happy, get walked on, and feel resentful and miserable. Then they'd leave, and I'd freak out and the cycle would start again. I am very thankful that I finally met a man that loves me for who I am. I tried all of my little games on him, he didn't like it, we went through our rough spots, sorted it out, and he's still here. And I have learned/am learning who I really am. That is probably the biggest thing he did for me that I am grateful for.

    Sorry to ramble. I'm good for that. So glad to see you on the exercise board! Trust me, you haven't met anyone lazier than this girl right here! LOL But if you kick yourself in the butt and really put forth an effort, that alone will help to rebuild your confidence. You're worth it!! If you don't try it, I'll sic Millie on you, and you don't want that. LOL! (It's a running joke, because she's gone all G.I. Jane on us since we started this exercise challenge, trying to recruit everyone, and they're all trying to dodge her.)

  9. #9

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    Erin it is so refreshing hearing from you... It honestly does put a smile on my face. I truly am glad that I found this site.

  10. #10
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    Ditto, Alicia! I'm really glad you're here! This place is such a blessing!

  11. #11

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    I understand where your coming form, but its not your fault you can only try to help and hope for the best, but in the end its up to him,but always put your son first....

  12. #12

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    I know iv'e been really quiet lately but I thought if I was like an ostrich and just pretended that things were not happening it would just go away. Why is it so difficult to let go.... why does one try so hard to help someone who does not want to be helped???? Last week everything came to a heads and it was like a volcano that erupted. My baby's father was booked off from work until next year Jan by his psychiatrist / psychologist as being a threat to himself and to those around him. He has not been making contact with his social worker at all.... I don't understand how putting someone off from work without supervision or anything is supposed to help???? He said that he would spend his days with our son and try and focus but instead he ended up going on a drinking binge with his buddies. He ended up at my place (we do not live together) and threatened to take my son and to hurt my entire fam... I was devastated (and needless to say at work). The police can be really slow at times and after several attempts I finally got a police van to remove him from my house. They contacted me at work to say that they let him go again (because one of the cops was his buddies) how bad is that???? The social worker informed me that they were supposed to take him to a facility so that he could detox from the alcohol... but what good is that if no-one is doing what they supposed to be doing? I am feeling really down and depressed again today. He did not attend out son's baptism on Saturday (despite the fact that I asked him to) but instead advised me that he would be baptising me in my own blood and that is a promise... I don't want to stress my family with all this but I can feel that it really is getting me down. The saddest thing is that I actually still want to help him because I know he is not a bad person. He just constantly makes the wrong decisions. I know I need to let go but how???? How do you help someone who does not want helP???

  13. #13
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    Hey Alicia,

    I was just thinking about you the other day and wondered what you were up to! I'm really sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you. I know you want to help him, but you know he's got to make that call for himself. I feel like I'm talking to myself here more than you know. I'm also battling trying to help someone when they need to stand on their own two feet and help themselves. But listen - this guy does NOT need to be threatening you, threatening to take your son, or threatening to baptize you in your own blood! In my opinion, let him know you're serious and you're not going to tolerate this - I would get a restraining order against him. You need some space between you and your family, and him. He needs to understand that acting like this is not going to bring his family back together. You have done all you can to help him. You know that!

    And I really feel that you NEED to stress your family with this... he's making threats on your life and on taking your baby. Since the police and others aren't doing what they're supposed to, at least you'll have a support system you know you can count on, and maybe they'll have some ideas on how to better handle this situation. Also, I feel like them knowing is added protection for you and your son.

    Good luck, girl, and please remember that you can post on here or send me a message anytime you need to talk! Don't feel like you have to deal with this alone.

  14. #14

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    Thanks Erin, just knowing that I can off load is making me feel a lot better already. I was feeling very despondent and anxious earlier but a colleague at work surprised me with a rosary as a gift. I think it is a sign of more positive things to come.
    Love Alicia

  15. #15

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    Woke up feeling really tired this morning... I feel so defeated. Battling to hold onto some sought of sanity/faith. Whichever will get me through this day. I know that God does not give us any challenges that he does not think that we are strong enough to handle... I just think that this time his made a mistake. I feel broken...

  16. #16
    _Erin_'s Avatar
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    Good morning, Alicia... you CAN handle anything that is given to you. Maybe this is more of a test of "Is this really what I need in my life?" Your kids need you to be strong and there for them. He's already been raised by another woman (his mom), so he doesn't need looked after. He's a big boy, obviously he wants to be treated as such, so let him make his own mistakes. You can be his friend, but like I'm learning, there is only so much a friend can do. Make clear boundaries and don't let him cross them. Find joy in your kids, that's what I do. Take your focus off this guy, he doesn't deserve it, and you don't deserve to put yourself through all this. You are very sane, you just care, and it hurts to watch someone self-destruct while you stand helplessly by. You're not alone. And I have faith in you... for what that's worth... you didn't get this far by being weak! Keep your head up, girl. Remember nothing stays the same forever! I'm glad you're still checking in and posting, I appreciate hearing from you!

  17. #17

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    Hi Erin, my previous message did it to me again it just disappeared... wish some other things in my life would as well. When I'm with my kids I focus on them and therefore I 4get about my troubles most of the time, only thing is it always come's knocking again. I am extremely angry today mostly at myself. I'm addicted /obsessed with an alcoholic. His dependency seems to make him feel good while it lasts yet I feel sick and anxious all the time.... I spoke to him yesterday and told him that he was the most selfish human being I have EVER come across in my life... and that says a lot. He just takes and takes and takes all the time and I don't want to be the one giving all the time. Why does this have to be soooo difficult??

    I really do appreciate your friendship as well and being able to off load.... How do I make this feeling go away? How do I just stop caring because he obviously does not care what he is doing to me.

  18. #18

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    Alicia,

    Hi! I've read your posts over the past couple months but haven't been as active on the forum as I'd like to. I suggested on another thread (Melinda's) that us lover's of alcoholics should try and create more of a community on here, like you see on the "How to Stop Drinking" page.

    It is probably not possible to stop caring and not something you should expect yourself to do. Caring is a GOOD thing, think about how good caring for your kids makes you feel. What you do need to learn to do is to stop reacting. You're right that this disease is making him selfish, but there's nothing you can do to change it. It is okay to keep caring about and to keep hoping he gets better. But just like you can't rely on him to make you feel better (because that certainly hasn't worked), he shouldn't and isn't going to get better or feel better from anything you do.

    He will only get better when he's ready- if he's ever ready. The best you can do is focus all the attention you've been giving him and his disease back on yourself and your kids. If you believe in him, stick around and see if you setting a good example of a healthy and self-focused (with is very different from selfish) person will help nudge him in the right direction. But recognize your limits- what you won't let him do- and stick to them.

    I know this doesn't sound like easy stuff, because it's not. J, my alcoholic boyfriend of several years, has put me through a complete roller coaster. Or, that's what I like to say. In reality, he put HIS LIFE through a complete roller coaster and I refused to differentiate my life from his. I do have my own life and I have a right to be happy in it, no matter what he's doing.

    Focus on you, one day at a time. Don't berate yourself for being angry, anxious, sad, or scared. He is being tough enough on you without you doing it to yourself. Let yourself feel those bad things and then let them go. Let me repeat that: Feel it, then let it go. Be patient with yourself, no one should have to go through what you're going through, but don't let it define you.

    Best of luck,

    Kelsey

  19. #19

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    Smile

    Thanks Kelsy,
    Your advise made me feel a bit better, more determined & a bit stronger if I might say so. Only problem is this feeling doesn't really last does it. He has a way of pushing himself back into my life when it suits him... or when he thinks he needs me and then tries to make me feel guilty for deserting him. Its always about him, his needs, his wants. I don't want to expose my children to him, especially my 13 year old (teenage problems on their own are stressful enough), but that is another story all on its own I think it is more that he does not want me to continue without him and he knows that I can but when he sees that I am coping fine he makes an entry into my life. The minute I put anything into the relationship again he disappears (literally) puts his phone off, does not come by, etc, etc... The worst is that I consider myself to be an educated woman and yet I fall for it time and time again. Stupid right For now I am trying to focus on having a very good xmas with my little ones and family (he is definitely not included in the plans). "Feel it, then let it go"... I am going to try to make this my motto to live by. Thank you so much for the advice. It helps a bit to know that I'm not alone. We really should start a forum for people who has abusers for loved ones.... or for people who are abused to abusers if that makes sense.

  20. #20

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    sorry meant to say "abused by abusers / users"...

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