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So sad & worried... - Page 2
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  1. #21

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    So i just read thru the whole thread ..and wow...its such a relief. I ALSO consider myself and educated, definitely NOT naive,strong headed , dont fall for BS kind of woman,yet here I am with a husband that has definitely done his share. My daughter is now 15 months. My hub and I separated when I was 4 months pregnant. I opened a salon, we just got married, he moved in MY house with my parents living downstairs and my sis living upstairs. He has a problem with sharing his feelings(like most guys) but he entered a really dark point of his life. Hes a little OCD and with everyone living in my house he was a bit freaked cuz my fam is not clean, I opened a salon so I wasnt making money( which he doesnt have a budget, so once I put ourselves on one, it became an issue) I was busy working, home late, gave him no attetion( hes needy) while he cooked ,cleaned did laundry (hes the domestic one in the relationship). He got depressed and stopped caring because he wasnt getting attention, He was out every night saying he had a 'meeting" . wouldn't come home sometimes till morning saying he fell asleep in the car, I started getting depressed and felt unloved because he used to be soooo careing and attentive and loving and it just....STOPPED. with no warning.I found out he was friended with 200+ women on face Book, acting NOT as a married man. (none who lived in our city,,,weird) and I kicked him out, he wasnt around for the pregnancy. I had no income to support myself anymore(since I wasnt making money from the salon. So i eventually stoppped paying for everything, Houses. business. bills. I had baby and he was over on weekends and helping out. Like nothing was wrong, All chipper and happy. I wanted to punch him. But his life was also out of control because he forgets to pay bills cus hes ADHD. Forgets lots of things. Finally I really was done with our "weekend family"caught him in a sober moment and he then commited to counselling because he wanted to be happy. We were doing well and went to marriage counceling, He started this little independent business and found another way to "avoid" dealing with issues and therapy. Then got the DUI...and thats where I am. Hes a great LOVING father. When his focus is being a husband its great. But so Inconsistant. I have days where Im angry for issues we havent talked about...then I have days where I avoid the issue because its also easier. If he was a jerk , it would be easier. But he totally takes care of me , in ways that most women wish for, just not the emotional side. ...I focus more on my little peanut AND his 13 yr old little lady, because Im not gonna show her its ok to be cheated on Ect. Im finding that theres a point where it will cause our kids to have an emotional issue if we allow them to see the abuse we live thru. If they cant be there emotionally for our children, it is doing more harm to them trying to keep a "family unit" that is unstable, than it is to give our little ones all of us. I dont know if you wanted kids, but I didnt. I was on the IUD and we werent planning, but God sought different. My husband is DEFINITELY alot different than he was before, but I and we still have our struggles. ...i am So rambling to I gotta stop!!!

  2. #22

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    Sep 2011
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    Hey Melinda, no I did not plan on having my last little one (Ethan) although I see him as a gift from God - he helped me to get things into perspective). I was married once before (divorced now) and raising my 13 year and 6 year old, also boys on my own, no actually with my mum and sister's help. Before I got pregnant my Doctor (lovely woman) used to advise me to leave Ethan's dad but she also told me that I needed someone to take care of and that is why I had him in my life. I was always making excuses for his mistakes, it was never his fault it was because of circumstances. My two other boys were becoming very dependent and my boyfriend really needed me. Once the baby was born I started focusing on him (Ethan). He's such a joy. He's dad was not present at his birth in fact I to this day do not know where he was, he just went missing in action as usual and found out the next day that the baby was born (after promising me that he would be there every step of the way). I am just so tired of being on his roller coaster ride with his rules all the time. I'm putting my boys first!!! I raised two of them on my own (the middle one Jared was 9 months old when I left his father and the older one Darren was 7). I just never dreamt that I would have to raise Ethan (now 8 months) on my own as well. My boyfriend always promised he'd be around and my other two loved him to bits... But since my pregnancy everything's changed. I went into a deep depression after my divorce (2005) practically had a nervous breakdown and I always told my boyfriend /fiance (we met in 2008 and he was my first serious relationship) that I never wanted to raise another child alone, but in all honesty I would rather give them a stable environment. with one stable parent. I grew up with an alcoholic father and there is nothing worse. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you with my details... Its just that I think we must learn to put ourselves and our children first. We did not ask for this situation it was given to us and we need to work through it and come out on top.

  3. #23

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    Unhappy

    Woke up feeling really positive this morning, however as the day passes I become more and more depressed. I still have not heard from him my head says that is a good thing but my heart is wondering where the hell he is.... is he hurt somewhere or is he just out getting drunk and having fun with the guys. I reprimand myself constantly about caring or thinking about him. I don't want it to become my obsession. If he truly loved me and our son he would at least check in isn't it??? There I go again...

  4. #24

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    The scary thing is that sometimes when I get so upset I think I hate him.... There's a fine line between love and hate and I'm scared that I'm too obsessed with the relationship that I just cant seem to let it go... I NEED TO LET IT GO. Perhaps I am the problem. It's not him that needs to set me free but me who needs to set him free. Whatever becomes of him from there is in his own and in God's hands.... I need to believe that he will see the light. I need to believe that he will come back to me and my son... see its all about my needs again. Am I therefore not the needy one??? Is this also not just enabling them... giving him the power... I FEEL HELPLESS once again. Defeated.

  5. #25

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    I have not had much contact with my ex but i still find myself obsessing about him all the time... I can't help but worry. I'm constantly nervous or get these anxiety attacks.. I've done what everyone told me is the right thing to do because he obviously does not seem to care about me... the more I show concern the nastier he becomes. I have reinstated the criminal proceedings and instituted civil action for the damages to my car (R30 000) and have also handed him over to an attorney for maintenance for the baby. Decided to take my ex husband for the maintenance as well since I've been taking care of my 13 year old and 7 year old all on my own (actually with a lot of help from my mum, sister & brother)... It's just that it all seems to be getting too much for me... I find that I am taking tranquilisers / sleeping tablets more often to try and cope with the situation (i know this is not good and its the first time I've admitted to it.) I just feel so energyless... their seems to be no other way to describe it... I'm tired, teary and I can't seem to fathom why he does not care??? I know I'm going on and on... but please if someone out there can give me some words of encouragement.... I know what i'm doing is right for my children but I worry about my ex, I still care for him alot... and his cutting me out... it's as if my feelings don't matter. Same with my ex husband he promised the two older boys to fetch them the weekend (if he sees them once a year its alot) and my boys ended up in tears yesterday because as usual he disappointed them... this is all my fault for choosing the wrong partners.... I'm probably better off on my own.... I know they say misery loves company but I'm feeling really miserable right now... physically and emotionally....

  6. #26

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    aliciad, hang in there, sweetie! You are doing such a great job of standing up for yourself and your kids! So much change in such a short time is hard, hard, hard. Be nice to yourself! And don't beat yourself up for anything, including picking the wrong partners. They're grownups. I've been divorced for a long time now (eventually remarried happily) but when it was still raw I would think about marrying the wrong guy and then remember my beautiful daughters who wouldn't be here if I hadn't married him. Sending hugs your way.

  7. #27

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    Aliciad, I am SO glad to see a post from you on here again. I've been wondering how you and some of the others have been. Carol said it well: you've gone through a lot of changes in a very short time and that's enough to leave anyone dizzy. I'm not sure if I've posted this to you in another thread before or not, but one of my favorite sentiments from Beattie's Codependent No More is that we need to be easier on ourselves. Life, your ex, and all of your other trials are hard enough on you. The last thing you need is to give yourself hard time too! Be kind to you. Take care of you.

    Have you considered committing to a goal that's just for you? Something to be excited about and feel accomplished about that you really do have control over? I know you know that you can't control your ex or anyone else, but maybe you would have a better time accepting that if I you chose to focus on something that you CAN control. Set an exercise goal (running everyday, etc) or pick up a project like knitting that shows you real results of your time and effort. It won't make you want to help your ex any less, but hopefully it'll give you a little energy and show you that as much as you may feel like it, you're not helpless.

  8. #28

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    Jan 2012
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    Aliciad, I am new to the forum and the thread, but reading everyone's stories has made me feel much less alone. My boyfriend was my best friend for 12 years and boyfriend for the last 3. He went through a bout with drugs several years ago and went to rehab and got clean...but he didn't stay sober. After going through the first bit with him as a friend I saw him change and always knew when he wasn't himself. His drinking was much more subtle, but he eventually changed with that too. He really is like 2 people, he was himself and the addict version. He has chosen to be the addict and I have chosen to leave. I know I haven't left the man I Love, I left the man he doesn't love. And there is nothing in all the world I can do. It was his choice to decide how he is going to live. And although, there are days it kills me, I keep moving forward. And I totally agree with Kelsey, find something to do for you. Make a list of all the things you have ever wanted to try, places you've wanted to go and do them. I'm learning the guitar. I figure it is a great way to express my feelings, it keeps my mind occupied, and I always wanted to, so its for me! Plus in a few weeks I have a day trip planned for some place we were always going to go together, but there was always an excuse why WE couldn't. Well I can. And I can tell you my sons admire me when I do stuff for myself and it teaches them to be better men than my ex husband or ex boyfriend.

    Be well and know its your right to find happiness.

  9. #29

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    Sep 2011
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    J was 3.5+ months sober but has started slipping. It's the second time he's gotten drunk in the last week and a half. I am beyond let down, beyond angry, beyond tired of hoping that things are getting better only to have those hopes dashed.

  10. #30

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    Hi everyone... It's been a very difficult time for me and as usual I decided to go into my shell... I still read all your messages and it gives me inspiration.... I must say though today I feel sad, lonely and just plain pathetic... I can feel depression setting in and that's not good... I love my kids dearly but it feels like i'm going through the motions of living but not actually living if you know what I mean... anyways you know what they say misery loves company but all I'm hoping for is just to start feeling normal again...

  11. #31

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    Feeling much better today... more positive... had a good nights rest... maybe that was all I needed. =)

  12. #32

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    So B called me and asked my help to get him into a rehab to detox and he wants to leave the place where he is at the moment, nearly like a mental institution where basically you exchanging the alcohol for prescription drugs... I found him a place and gave him the details and said that he must take care of it himself. He wants me to visit him and asked for money again and I said NO... (good for me right), but here's the question, When I asked him why he is phoning me after us being apart and leading separate lives and me raising our child alone for soooo long and I asked him to be honest he said that it was because he knew that I would help him... Am I still his enabler??? I don't know if I should go and see him at the institution or not but he just sounded soooo broken... If he'd contacted me yesterday, I would probably have said yes to everything since I was having a bad day but today I can deal with it and I just really don't want to be part of this anymore... But I find it difficult to turn someone away when they asking for help and I suppose a visit is not going to harm anyone is it???? I'm just so scared of being drawn back into all this drama again... sounds silly right. What do I do???

  13. #33

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    Erin, Melinda, Kelsey... anyone please advise??? He wants me to visit this afternoon after work.

  14. #34
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    Hey Alicia, first off I am really sorry I missed your post the other day when you were having a rough time!! I'm glad you got to a better place. Now on to the issue at hand... I understand how you feel, and I am the same person as you when it comes to someone asking for help... no matter how they did me in the past, no matter where I am now, I always have that feeling that I can rescue whoever needs me. It's not true 99% of the time, but it does seem like I am quick to forget especially when someone sounds desperate. My advice would be, if you really WANT to visit him, and it fits into YOUR schedule, that's one thing. If you do go, set your boundaries FIRM with yourself before you go. Don't let him talk you into money, more visits, etc. It's what YOU are comfortable with, you are doing him a favor. Addicts are masters at manipulation, so you gotta be strong going into this! If he really wants help and to change, you will see a difference. Good luck, girl!!

  15. #35

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    Alicia, I say don't go. He asked for help, you found him a place, and good for you telling him he has to do it for himself. He asked for money, you said no, that's the right answer in my opinion. Now he wants to see you. Yeah, maybe it's an honest call for help, maybe it's to ask you for money in person. Will YOU get something out of going, something that helps YOU? If the answer is yes, AND you are feeling strong, go. If you are only going for him, I say don't go. You have given and given and have been setting appropriate healthy boundaries for you and your children. You don't need to be sucked in and made to feel guilty.

    Now, with input from Erin and me, do what feels right for you and either way we support you! Good luck and let us know what happens,

  16. #36

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    Alicia, what do YOU want? At this point its about YOUR needs. What you are doing to be a better mom, and better to yourself. It is essential. You can't do his work for him and he can't do yours for that matter. You ARE helping him by getting stronger, taking care of the kids and empowering him to take care of himself and his issues. That is a beautiful gift. You will forever be tied by the kids and love and memories you have already shared. It is obvious how important these things are to you, but it may take distance, and self discovery before he understands how much they mean to him.

    Good Luck and let us know how it goes

  17. #37

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    Hi guys... I ended up going to visit... and I guess I shouldn't have because I really was not strong enough. I stayed about 5 to 10 minutes and left crying... cried all the way home and when I got home I got into bed and pulled the covers over my head.. I have come to the realization that I do love him. I really, really do love him but the guy that I love is not there anymore. So I have to start believing in what I am doing and move on. I am the one keeping me in this place now. I just have to figure out how to get passed this stage/phase. I'm sure with time it will come. In the meantime I pray for strength, spend more quality time with my kids and hope that this feeling too will pass.

  18. #38
    _Erin_'s Avatar
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    Alicia, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you needed that visit to bring you to the realization you had. Don't beat yourself up over "I shouldn't have gone," because even though you hurt right now, it's all necessary for bigger and better things! You're allowed to mourn the loss of someone you love(d) and isn't there anymore. Feel it and then let it go, that's what I've heard a million times on this site. Love ya, girl, it will get better! If nothing else, at least now you know!

  19. #39
    _Erin_'s Avatar
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    Alicia, a friend of mine just posted this quote on Facebook and it reminded me of you:

    "Sometimes, when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore, but because you realize they don't."

  20. #40

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    Hey Erin that's so true... How u doing my friend are u on fb?? inbox me your details and I'll look u up or u can invite me either way... it would be nice to chat live. Keep well and give that baby of yours a great big kiss and hug from me... My middle one turned 7 yesterday (big boy now) and can u believe it on the 3rd of April he'll be one (that is my baby). It's so cute when he says "mamma".... Well can't say much about my teenager (13 year old) except its challenging... the one day he loves me to bits the next day he hates me more than anything... but that's life.. I must say since I let go my life has become calmer in a sense. Still have my ups and downs more downs than ups but I've come to realize who my friends are and who I can trust. I a little naive when it comes to that I tend to trust and believe everyone my mum says I'm gullible (basically stupid) but what u gonna do... that's me. Keep well girls and I'll keep on checking in on you.... Things at work has been really hectic (not going too well in that area of my life at the moment but one needs to have challenges I suppose). The key is to always believe in yourself. It's like I tell my kids all the time nobody is better than what you are and the only person you need to fear is God. We all great people all we have to do is stop doubting ourselves...

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