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Ex Boyfriend - should I let him know the cause of his alcoholism?
  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    2

    Ex Boyfriend - should I let him know the cause of his alcoholism?

    Hello

    I broke up with a 42 year old alcoholic a few weeks ago. It was my only option. We both wanted a family and having worked out he was a binge-drinker alcoholic and unable to offer me support would have been a disaster with children in our future. He had got emotionally/verbally abusive, but never violent as I am a passive type of partner. He was very controlling, in order to remain a functioning alcoholic... holding down a good job, keeping up with his mortgage payments and having an enormous friendship group who vowe he is the best thing to walk on earth.

    I 'over-analyse' everything, it is one of my traits. I wanted to understand why he put himself through this cycle, sometimes resulting in drug use too. I would ask him why he did this to himself when he was at his weakest, throwing up in a bucket for example, and he'd always say "my mother". I now believe, after months of trying to understand how he can blame it on his mum's death when he was already an alcoholic when he was a kid makes sense. Of course, he doesn't mean his mother's death, he means that his mum was soooo lovely, the pinnacle of his and his brothers' lives, and because his dad is also an alcoholic, the mother presumably never told him to stop. i.e. there was no discipline. And he presumably drinks to drown out any negative thoughts relating to his mum, as his mum is the one person he respects, loves and admires in a female form. To question her actions as a mother, in his mind is the worst thing he could ever do, so he blocks out those thoughts presumably to never face it.

    So now I have worked this out, he's moved on to another fling of a relationship although I'm certain he had genuine love for me. He certainly knows I love him completely. I ended the relationship and initially said he is an alcoholic and needs help etc, but he wouldn't stay away and kept contacting me etc so I ended up doing the whole "it's not you it's me thing"... I acted like an emotional wreck and then text (as I was 'bending the truth' so couldn't say it to his face, although yes I was also an emotional wreck as I felt completely awful for not being able to help him) that I said I loved him but I was not ready for a relationship as I'm a complete wreck, crying all the time etc. He accepted that and dived straight into a relationship with a colleague of mine. It won't last, and he knows it, he's not even told her he goes on benders at all so he's keeping her at a distance.

    However, my question to you all is, do I tell him the reason he ended up the way he has, and therefore he can seek focused help if he ever wants to? He never actually admitted he was an alcoholic in the sense that he never tried AA etc. But he asked me to go round, admitted he needed help, and when I turned up he said he could do it alone with my help. That's when I did my 'breakdown' and said it wasn't him but me, as I knew there was no way he could do it alone nor could I help him without professionals.

    So now, do I accept that he is in denial and doesn't want treatment and leave it at that? Or do I email him saying that if he ever eventually does admit it and wants to know the cause in order to deal with it faster that I have that knowledge? As he's clearly moving on (physically anyway, if not emotionally) perhaps I just draw a line under it completely and leave it up to his mistress to try and help him, which she'll never be able to do as she doesn't love the real him (she loves the imaginary him that he's revealed to her)?

    It's just, when you love someone, you still want the best for them even after you end that kind of relationship you know? And what is the best for him in this situation? Leave him in denial where he clearly wants to be, or just let him know that I think I understand what causes his drinking if he ever does want to seek help, as that will presumably be key to any recovery he may seek?

    Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I fell in love with someone 'down-to-earth', 'happy', 'full of live', 'extrovert' and in the end it was all because he was an addict and blocked bad (i.e. real) feelings out about someone who he completely adores (his mum). Even though I ended it weeks ago, it still breaks my heart, and it's going to take me much longer to move on than even my relationship before then, which in the eyes of the public was a 'million' times worse than a relationship with 'someone who likes their drink on a weekend'.

    If I was to go with my gut, he won't want to hear me saying about his issues. All he'd want to hear is I'm going to stay living where we are and get married and have kids. Which I cannot ever do unfortunately. Plus I deserve a nice person to love me and be there for me, not someone who's controlling in order to get their next fix and as a result of that fix has the capability of saying/doing anything to hurt me. It's over for us, but life goes on in our separate paths and I still love him on my single path. As I'm the only person who's known the 'real' him for a long, long, long time, I wonder whether I have a responsibility to tell him what I know about him, i.e. the cause of his drinking. What do you think or is this just going to aggravate him or upset him further?

    I'd appreciate any advice on this.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    1,224
    Jules, my advice: let him go. Set yourself free. As a now non-drinker formerly enslaved to alcohol myself I can tell you he won't listen. If you really need to "tell" him for your own closure, write a letter and mail it to yourself, not to him. Then rip it up when it arrives. You can't fix him.

    I think you made a good choice to not bring children into an alcoholic family! Trust yourself, mourn, heal, let him go. Trust your decision.

    Good luck.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    2
    Thanks Carol, that's what my gut thought. I wish I could let him go a lot easier though, as he seems to have done! Ah well part of growing up I guess. Thanks for taking the time to advise me, as it really helps to hear that from someone who's been in his shoes. Congratulations to you on getting to where you are now, from having lived with my ex I know that will have taken such strength on your part.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    2
    I'm so sorry but the truth is....he must continue using till help arrives....is there anyone he can buy from till program is in place?
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