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Thread: kids

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2015


    This is the closest forum listed to what I am looking for. Almost two years ago, I got a call from my daughter. He dad was drunk. Since then, she has mainly been with me. With no extra financial help from my ex. Well, he quite for the first time about last May for a bit. I am not sure how long, but I believe it wasn't long. Tobin went back to going to his house right before school started. I had to go get her once a month since then. We, my daughter and I, are done. I am looking for mediation for a parenting plan. I think she should be with me full time until it is decided differently. However, there needs to be a outline of a plan. I am wondering if anyone has any thoughts on these questions. Thanks for much for any help.

    1. How long after someone quits would it be OK for them take over their responsibility as a dad. IE How long until my daughter can stay over there again?
    2. How do I know that he has really quit?
    Any other thoughts about her returning to his house?

    I hope that I am making sense.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Minnesota, USA
    Hi horsin, welcome to Spiritual River!

    I'm going to talk about your questions in reverse order, if you don't mind. If your ex doesn't want to quit and doesn't want you to know he hasn't quit, chances are good that you can never really know 100% if he has truly quit. One way of knowing whether your ex is drinking at harmful levels or not is through regular breathalyzer testing. Soberlink is a monitoring system where you can schedule tests, get texts/e-mails if tests are missed or failed, and this is done as a service so you are less in the middle. Here is their website - www.soberlink.net.

    If you go the testing route, you should give some thought to how you will address concerns about the testing as well as consequences. For example, if a test is missed or failed, a provision for your ex to pay for and take an EtG urine test within 3 days to prove otherwise. Also, something along the lines of if more than 3 tests are skipped or failed in any 4-week period, he loses all parenting time until he gets a chemical dependency assessment and follows through with the recommendations. Another one would be that if a test is skipped or failed, you can go pick up your daughter until the next scheduled parenting time. You may want to consider how long testing should continue. Your gut reaction may be to say, "forever!" but at some point you will have to let go. You may want to do full-on testing for one year, or go full-on for 6 months and step down until after a year or two there is no testing at all.

    Nothing is perfect and the breathalyzer is no different. It is possible to sneak some drinks, depending on testing frequency, between tests and game the system a bit. However, if your ex has a drinking problem and does not quit it is probably just a matter of time before he starts making mistakes which is why you would want provisions for the next steps. Please be aware the example provisions I mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg!

    Personally, I would say that as long as there is some assurance of your ex not drinking, even if he's gaming the system and drinking at reduced levels, your daughter should be safe in his care. But I am biased and will admit that to you up front.

    The best-case scenario is that your ex quits drinking no problem and is the best dad he can be to your daughter. Worst-case, well, I suppose he could drink himself to death but I wasn't thinking quite that drastic! Worst case might be that he has to lose time with his daughter and decide if drinking is really more important...and choose drinking.

    A lot of this really depends on your situation, if you are able to approach your ex at all, etc. If you are able to, would you be willing to talk with your ex about your concerns?

    Sorry for the lengthy post, the above is just kind of a brain dump. Personally, and here too it depends on your situation, if you can do something like this without courts, GALs, etc. IMO it will just be a lot easier on everyone.

    In the interest of full disclosure, I have been taking Soberlink breathalyzer tests for 8 months now, every 4 hours, 7 days a week whether my kids are with me or not. I ended up skipping/failing enough tests, lost my overnights, and am going to inpatient treatment in a week. And that's a good thing!
    Last edited by ByeMickeys; 01-25-2015 at 02:28 AM.
    F$%^ You, Mickey's

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